Plausible ways in which I will likely die as an old woman

Plausible ways in which I will likely die as an old woman

It’s important to write as an old woman, because you don’t want the universe getting any ideas. And while we’re on the topic of my particular brand of lunacy, I will point out that Folklore, as an academic field, also includes the study of superstitions, and the very fine and intelligent people who believe in them.

Last night I was socializing via Zoom with a couple friends, you know, as we do now, and at one particular ironic juncture I realized I was complaining about my failed strategies at eating well while simultaneously downing a chocolate-covered coffee bean at the rate of one per 80 seconds or so. I went through half a bag of coffee beans this way. <digs bag out of office garbage> Okay, so according to this 5 oz bags of beans, that’s about 2.5 oz of coffee beans I ate. I have no idea how much caffeine that is in grams. No one needs to Google this for me.

I’m usually up late, but after all those espresso beans I was up really, really late. For seemingly a lot of folks, this is often when their anxiety hits. My brain likes to do everything differently, so it plagues me with severe anxiety during the day, and makes the late evening a time of relative happiness. If I stay up past 1am or so, I move from a general sense of quiet contentment to an energetic, goofy punchiness. Like this:

Very often when this happens I make lists. This is the last I made last night this morning.

25 Plausible Ways I Will Likely Die As An Old Woman

  1. Tripping over my corgis. I will break a hip and go into shock. The corgis will try to help, but will fail to dial a phone and instead just stack balls around me. Eventually one of them will try to comfort me by laying on my chest, covering my windpipe. That will be the end.
  2. Doing the Brooklyn Shuffle in the shower and slipping on a gob of hair conditioner. If this happens I will demand that you write DIED BY DISCO on my tombstone.
  3. Accidental poisoning after I absent-mindedly sip too much from the glass containing my dirty paint water.
  4. Visiting Australia.
  5. Avoids surfing entire life because sharks, finally goes surfing at age 80, is eaten by shark.
  6. That kid whose delicate area I kicked in the second grade, when he wouldn’t let me pass him in the hall at school (I mean if you say, “Just try to get past me” you are in fact asking for it) finally finds me.
  7. Houseplants become intelligent and strangle me.
  8. Accidental knitting needle impalement.
  9. Finally takes that dream trip to northern Canada. Going for walk at night, sits down to watch aurora borealis. Falls asleep in snow.
  10. Murdered for making too many bad puns.
  11. Meteor.
  12. Trampled by gazelles in freak accident at zoo.
  13. Fake sneezes dramatically to entertain a toddler, whacks head on nearby hard object, never fake sneezes again.
  14. Finally eats a Brussels sprout, chokes to death.
  15. Starts playing the oboe, accidentally inhales the reed.
  16. Fermenting project gone horribly wrong.
  17. Goes to baseball game, sees foul ball, yells, “GOT IT,” shoves everyone else out of the way…..and gets it right between the eyes.
  18. Falls off train.
  19. Falls off boat.
  20. Accidentally sews/glues myself to chair while crafting. Tries to get up, falls over, hits head, knocked unconscious. Found by useless corgis (see death #1).
  21. Takes job on interstellar cruiser, travels to LV-426. Sees an alien, tries to pet it.
  22. Freak Instant Pot explosion.
  23. Someone finally lets me fly a plane.
  24. Goes hiking, sees bear in distance, reassures anxious friend, “Bears can’t run that fast.”
  25. Insomnia.