Watney Biscuits Trial #2: I am not pleased

Watney Biscuits Trial #2: I am not pleased

Day 4, Trial 2 of The Biscuit Chronicles (every attempt takes two days, thus why this is taking forever and slowly sucking out every biscuit-appreciating atom left in my body) has yielded these little assholes:

Are you kidding me? I stayed up until midnight last night (okay admittedly that wasn’t hard, I continued to stay up until 3am to read A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik, a storyline which is coming along great, UNLIKE THE STORY OF CERTAIN BISCUITS I MIGHT MENTION) so I could get these damn things proofed the required 8 to 12 hours.

I even used real buttermilk instead of the soy yogurt I had put in the recipe yesterday (the recipe says either buttermilk or soy milk will work, IT LIES), just in case biscuits are offended by soy, like seemingly half the human beings I encounter (of all the ways I offend people, my preference for soy milk and soy yogurt has been the most startling).

Yes, I read the recipe perfectly. I was very careful. Really the only difference between yesterday’s result and today is the crumb. I think I’m using that term correctly here. It has more crumb? More….loft. It’s like the mixture actually had a passing thought about becoming a biscuit this time, whereas yesterday it had no idea what it was, it was like, “Am I a pancake? A cookie? Do I even exist? What is even biscuit?

Today it was like the La Croix of biscuits, like a real biscuit walked by while my biscuits were cooking, and what came out my oven is the distant memory of a biscuit that my biscuits saw from afar while they pondered their life choices in my oven.

To top it all off, they still tasted bland and boring (my eighteen-year-old son said, “Mom, I love you, but I have to be honest, I can’t eat these”). I ate two of them with butter and jam (Kerry Gold butter with fine cherry jam, I am not messing around here), and even that didn’t improve things. I have heartburn. Is it the acid from the refined flours, or the fiery acid of betrayal, who can guess.

What’s next for Watney?

I’m not sure! I’m definitely done with this particular biscuit recipe. I don’t want to be done with biscuits entirely, but I need to ask in some sourdough Facebook groups what to do next. Watney is getting bigger, I fed him last night, so something needs to happen soon. I’m frustrated that the only two things I’ve managed to make with sourdough that work are pancakes and chocolate cake. These biscuits were a big failure and the four loaves of bread I tried last year were also failures. Shouldn’t some kind of bread product be possible here? I will keep researching.

At least the dogs are happy. We ran out of our bulk box of Milkbone biscuits from Costco a few days ago, but I’ve replaced their traditional biscuits with Folger’s Crystals my new La Croix Biscuits, and they can’t tell the difference:

The second pan of them today was even worst than the first photo, above:

The dogs are going to love those, they’re like cracked little frisbees.